Journal 📓

In retrospect, I recognize that I was not as well as I believed I was. While I managed to cope with the challenges of relocating back to Los Angeles, including sleeping in my car and staying in hotels before transitioning to a transitional living program, I was still grappling with the weight of my past experiences in Florida. Negative thoughts about my former home persisted, and I was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and grief of being home with no Mommy, Shamica, Timmy, or Tafari.

As my life began to feel more normal and I found my rhythm, a sense of joy and contentment returned. I was grateful for the opportunity to secure a place and start planning my future. Activities like visiting the beach and the farmers market became cherished moments, as they provided a sense of balance and fulfillment.

Engaging in other activities such as walking in the park and playing basketball helped me reconnect with my sense of self. These activities became regular routines, contributing to my overall well-being.

However, as I became more accessible to others, to a romantic relationship and socialized again, the activities that brought me joy began to fade. I attempted to incorporate these activities into my small circle, but consistency was lacking.

I came to realize that I often lose myself in others when I perceive their needs as greater than my own. This tendency stems from my belief that I possess the ability to save them through my humanity. However, I recognize that I am not Jesus and that I am not equipped to handle the complexities of human emotions and moral dilemmas.

Furthermore, I acknowledge the negative influences that have shaped my life, including the past of poor parenting, friends, and family dynamics. I have endured experiences that are still in the process of healing, and my foundation of therapy spans nearly two decades. I am determined not to succumb to the negative impact of my past experiences or present ones.

With a renewed sense of purpose, I am committed to reclaiming my life on my own terms. I will prioritize self-care and emotional well-being, allowing myself to experience joy and fulfillment without being overshadowed by the guilt and fear of others or myself.